My Dearest Byul

YOU are an impossible dream but I can’t help but be mesmerized and give in. You are like the fire and I’m the moth that would be willing to burn just to touch you. You are that warmth that I yearn for comfort. We may be on the same lifetime but not for one another. We live in different worlds. You shine the brightest while I’m here merely existing. You don’t even know that we are looking at the same sky. You are very passionate of your chosen craft, while I’m stuck in the middle, still indecisive.

Everytime I look at you there’s a light of hope that everything’s gonna be alright. You being my light continued through the years. I got captivated with your smile. I was fascinated with the way you dance. It was a beautiful scene to watch your perform on stage. You are an art personified. Your facial expressions are superb it adds up to your overall charisma. You have dual personalities – you be may fierce, sexy and intimidating onstage but you are an actual baby bear offcam. You charm everyone with you humble and genuine self. The kids adores you so much. You easily cry. And it breaks my heart seeing those tears. I find it cute whenever you whine, with those little pout of yours. I love your confidence, breaking the stereotypes for idols for what one should wear and should feel about their body. You could perfectly pull off any outfit that you sparkle in my eyes. Your honey voice is lovely and it makes me happy whenever I hear you sing. These and more makes my heart flutter with so much love and admiration for you.

I thought this was just a light feeling. I didn’t know that it was more that now. The admiration turned into something deeper, an emotion I was so afraid to admit until now. I may be delusional, I don’t even know that the simple feeling I’ve felt for you since that day grew into something that I shouldn’t be feeling. This is illegal. Is this normal? Why do I feel so attached to you? Why there is this complication now on my side?

The first time hearing you dating was definitely fine. I’m okay with it. And I easily accepted the fact that someone’s making you happy and you deserve every good thing in the world. I’m one with others supporting your relationship with her. I also felt sad when you were no longer together. Everything is alright until now. I don’t know what has gotten into me that I am feeling this way. I think this is too much. I’m marking a territory that is never mine in the first place, and probably would never be mine even if we cross paths. The news caught me off guard at first. I was cool with it then it struck me — someone is making you happier again. Then the gloomy feeling starts taking over. I just want to let out this painful emotion that makes me want to cry. I’m taking chances but if ever you would read this, if the universe would permit, I just want you to know that I’m genuinely glad that she’s making you happier now. After everything that had happened for the past year you deserve to smile again. You deserve to love and to be loved. Someone’s gonna check on you if your okay so please charge your phone often. You don’t want to upset her don’t you? Someone’s gonna cheer you up when the times get tough. Someone will be there to comfort you when you cry, because you are a crybaby. You both love bears. You have similar habits of wearing shoes. You both belong in a world that I’ll never be in. I’m praying that what you two have now will prosper more. That you become each other’s strengths and support. All the best for you two.

Knowing you had always been the best decision I have ever made and I will continuously support and love you with the best that I can. Always remember that you are loved and cherished.

But right now my heart is sinking and I don’t know if I’m allowed to feel this. I am mourning for something so selfish. Something that should never happen but accidentally develops. The reality is hitting me really hard to the point that I feel so disappointed and ashamed that I’ve been thinking of you romantically. With you it will always be an idol-fan friendship and I should be contented with that. I promise I will become a better fan for you, for all of you. Let’s make more happy memories again this year. I hope to see you again.